Stressed. Depressed. But always well dressed.

It's been christmas. The work season has ended. We had a staff party. V is nothing. I got the best christmas presents like ever. I have been sober for 28 days. F and I are going to Bilbao this summer. I want to visit K in Berlin, J in Barcelona and A in Rome. I am going to a musical on Friday. To the movies tomorrow. Sent an email to DM and got an answer. The 14th of january is the birthdayparty that will be awesome. But that's another year. Crazi.

The year of 2011.

So as the year is close to its end I will try do some sort of summary. Always nice to read later you know.

Five events that has been good this year?

My 18th birthday. Way out west. My graduation. My work, well at least the breaks. The London trip with S and F.

Five events that has been bad this year?

All the grade trouble. When I got yelled at by eleven poles. Rejection from Cambridge (think it was this year). Angst about what to do next. My dream world about V.

What have you learned this year?

That you don't have to be liked by everyone. That I can get drunk. My friends are the most incredible people in the world. That hard work pays off. Kissing isn't that complicated. Working can be fun with the right persons. I am attractive. It's fun to get crazy. I am stronger than I thought.

Did this year turn out as you planned?

For the most part, but I didn't think I would party as much as I did. Next year is more vague.

Which countries have you visited?

Great Britain and USA. (I don't count intermediate landings)

The best blogpost this year (your own)?

My fake interview. Here.

Which clothes have you used the most?

Black jeans, Acne shorts, grey tee from Weekday and Converse.

Do you regret something?

Nothing big.

Which music have you listened to the most?

Something like this: 2011, one year before the doom.

The best three parties?

The summer rabbit parties (can't separate them). The JC night. The first LH party.

What have you watched? (movies, series...)

Friends, Homeland, How I Met Your Mother, An Idiot Abroad, Glee, The Big Bang Theory and so on. Movies is harder. Black Swan, Harry Potter 7 part 2, The Smurfs, Just Go With It, Source Code, Never Let Me Go, Something Borrowed, Kick Ass, Bridesmaids, Bad Teacher and Crazy Stupid Love.

Which bands/artists have you seen live this year?

Miike Snow, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, Alexis Weak, Anton Kristiansson, Ram Di Dam, Bobastian, Britney Spears, Den Svenska Björnstammen (DJ-set), Emil Jensen, Empire Of the Sun, Wiz Khalifa, Håkan Hellström, Veronica Maggio, Säkert!, Robyn, Pulp, The Hives, Kanye West, Prince, Movits!, Noah And The Whale And The Tallest Man On Earth. I think that was all.

Which people have you hanged out with the most this year?

H, L, J, E, T, H and F.

Which new people have you gotten to know this year?

Many. All of my dear colleagues of course and I've come closer to some people as well. Very nice.

Three things you are proud over that you've done?

Donated blood. Stayed vegetarian for a year. Graduated with great grades.

What is the most beautiful you have gotten this year?

My MacBook Pro. And my job. And my paychecks!

The best text this year?

I can't choose... but here are one favourite: "Det kom nyss en kille som ville att jag skulle skriva mitt nr på hans hand. Jag skrev 'Hej då'."

Best youtube-vid this year?

How many have you been in love with?

None. Bu-fucking-hu.

What is the best thing you've read?

This blog.

What song do you wish to be your soundtrack next year?

Shakira – Loca (Featuring Dizzee Rascal) - JS Mix (English Version)

What are your New Year's resolution?

Be a little sluttier, but don't get desperate.

Tonight's the kind of night.

She's dying to meet you.

The Kills – Baby Says - Live Acoustic Version recorded at KUT Austin

OK. I have to write. Am close to tears although I don't know why. I can't stay here. I can't let a boy ruin my day. I can't, I can't, I can't. I know nothing. Not what I wanna study, not where, not when, not where I wanna travel, what I wanna learn. I thought all would work out as soon as you left high school. Maybe it will eventually, but right now... No. Maybe someday I can look back and think "Oh, if only I could tell you it will work out.". Oh I really would want that. I want a boy who is addicted to me. I want a career which I love. I want to now something. Just something.

Ultimatum.

I'm scared to see the ending why are we pretending this is nothing?//I've never heard silence quite this loud//And I'm dying to know is it killing you, like it's killing me?//This is looking like a contest, of who can act like they care less

The only way I could take.

I ought to say no, no, no.

I danced sober last Friday. For real. Had a blast with T and J at LH. Have worked the whole weekend and well, it's just have been nice. Have been working with a new guy and so I have to point out all the things he does wrong. So well, he probably beliefs I'm a bitch. What to do... Saw V in the cafeteria both Saturday and Sunday. Don't know if he saw me, but then again my laugh i quite rare. He texted me Saturday night wondering what I was doing and so. Nothing remarkable. Then on Sunday I didn't get a ride home so I texted E and asked if we could go home together. But she texted me back wondering if I wanted to go to VP. And since I didn't have any fun stuff to do at home, why not? So there I was sitting with V, E, L, D (their boss), N (another boss), A and two skiguys. It was fun! And I drank alcohol... No more for the whole month. We sat there 'til 11.30, then we headed for S. Only the cool ones left. There I was. Sitting next to V. Pretty f-ing close to V. Holding hands at one point. Gah, why is he doing this to me? Not seeing each other for like two and a half week and then acting like that. Hmpfh. According to T: "He wants you. Hard".

I dreamt that I was in a relationship with V. It was so nice. Didn't like waking up from that dream.

Two Red bull and an avocado.

Do you often arrive in time?

Always, hate people that are late.

Do you have good condition?

I used to have. Now I think it's tiresome running to the bus.

When did you get photographed the last time?

In the bathroom at the club last night.

How do you feel right now?

Pretty OK. Headache, but much better than usually after a night out.

The most common colour on your clothes?

Black bottoms, white tops. Shocking, right?

Can you cook?

Yep.

What do you study?

Italian at the university.

Do you turn out well in pictures?

Yeah, although I don't have a "photo face" which everybody else seems to have.

When and why did you cry the last time?

I don't remember that actually. Weird.

Was it embarrassing answering that?

No.

Did you have a good time last night?

OH YEAH!

Your favourite drink in the morning?

Milk or orange juice.

Are you healthy?

This month, yes.

Have you ever had a job?

Of course.

Are you shy?

It depends. If I feel like I "have to" get new friends, like on a new job, I can be ultra-social and happy. But in other situations I can be very quiet and watching.

What time did you get up today?

10.15

What TV-game did you play last time?

Probably Little planet.

Which TV-game are your favourite?

I don't have any...

How much does it takes to get you drunk?

I don't get drunk.

Have you puked in public?

Yes, but only on airplanes.

I sleep: on my belly.

What was the last thing you said?

Thank you.

Where you at a festival this summer?

Oui, Way out west!

Who do you call when you're sad/angry?

One of my fabulous five. L, J, T, H or E.

What would you need right now?

A neon yellow dress.

Do you have nice shoes?

Yes, but nothing extraordinary.

What was the first thing you said this morning?

I don't remember the things I say.

Have you slept in your own bed tonight?

Yes.

Have somebody else slept in your bed tonight?

No, thank God.

Do you have a driver license?

Oh I really need to get one.

Are you alone right now?

No.

What are you looking forward to the most this week?

Getting a gymcard, buying christmas gifts and hanging out with my friends.

Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.

She & Him – Sleigh Ride

That all started with a big bang!

Word I use when I want to belittle someone: gulligt.

Things I want to buy: grey jeans from Neuw, manschesterpants from Zara, wool sweater from Benetton and a coat from Weekday.

Character obsession: Sheldon Cooper!

Searching for: apartments in Barcelona.

Girl who is far too cool: Nike.

Food I want to cook: fish soup.

People I have met today: J and S.

New gay-guy friend crush: A.

Have to do: start to train.

Must see: Frida Kahlo-exhibition

Reading right now: Small Island by Andrea Levy

Was gonna write a little bit about my planning about my healthy month. But that was too boring. So... I love Nike at Rodeo. Love love love. I want to cut my hair exactly like her. She's so cool. Gah. And that was it. I get so happy when F sends me a message from Ecuador. Happy moment of the day or so...

I got stood up.

I would have liked you more if I didn't know so much about you. Sorry. But I don't my heart crushed. Ever.

Little things that have happened.

Tell me that you love me more.

Had a sleep-over at L's house last Monday. It was nice. She made american pancakes for breakfast. And I texted with V. So now were going on a second date tomorrow. Yeah, I'm a bit nervous again (also I think his friend likes me too, but there's not much I can do...). Bought Latisse online yesterday. I'm hoping it will be just as awesome as they say. BAM filmstarlashes! And also I bought some pills that will help me burn fat. Yeah, 'cause next Thursday is the day when we start our white month. No alcohol, no cigarettes and start to work out regularly. I will become the superwoman. And superhot. Yep yep.

Now I've got a confession.

The Pussycat Dolls – When I Grow Up

Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid.

So the first work weekend for this season is now over and surely it's weird to be back. Everything is pretty much the same. Same guests, same colleagues (except for a few new faces) and same questions. Although this time it feels so different. I know more people, it's of course all the christmas lights and everything and well, I feel more at home. Was out yesterday. I got to finish work earlier than expected (one hour but that's enough to make me happy) and so I went to VP with some other people from work. We were like thirty people from my dept so it was fun. Then V and his department came there too. I don't know if he saw me right away or not. But we didn't speak until I ran out to talk with my friend (which I had rung up) on the phone and they sat there when I was on my way in. So I got a cigarette. And when I was finished smoking I went in and didn't talk to him again. Then I went to the boat (no, not THAT boat, the other one!) and stood in line for the club alone 'cause my friends were already inside. While standing in the line I got a compliment for my eyebrows from a man in blue hair. Gosh, sometime has to be the first, right? I had fun at the club. Knew enough people and drank enough beer. And got into a photosession with the photographer (my friend linked to the picture on my wall at FB and well, I'm sexy/hot and I know it!). Went home with L and were in bed around a quarter to five. Worked today and well. I got irritated because V hadn't texted me or anything. So now when I was online at FB I didn't want to start chatting with him 'cause I believed he was a jerk. But I started anyway. Guess who then got a text two hours after it was sent? From V.

Reduced alcohol tolerance.

So I've been on my very first date yesterday. And I think it went well. Although I don't know if I like-like him yet. Today my phone has been buzzing and active the whole day. All of my close friends wanted to know how it went. I hung out with T and E. They are both so funny. After that I met H and drank some wine. And H came by too. They teased me. Oh, I have the best friends there is. And another thing I did yesterday: donated blood. Yay for me!

Please, take me down to the earth again.

I'm going on a date on wednesday. For real. And tomorrow is L's birthday and we're going out to celebrate her. I'm meeting H tomorrow too. Almost two months since last time I saw her. Thursday I'm going shopping with T. And on Friday work begins again. Bring it on.

Now rumour has it she ain't got your love anymore.

I just think it’s bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is.

This...

am I longing for: tonight's party night with T, meet H IRL, go on a date with V (none planned yet), eat free cake with J.

am I happy for: that I and my friends & family are healthy and that I can do almost anything next year 'cause I don't have any plans.

am I sad for: when stupid guys enter my friends' lives and they can't let go.

I preferably eat: avocado.

am I reading: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

am I terribly stressed out over: my lack of incentive to learn Italian.

am I looking for to with a delight mingled with terror: next year and the first time.
am I listening to: my spotify fall list. hösten 2011

am I dreaming about: a happy life.

gets me nostalgic: the fall, smells, songs and so many other things.

11.11.11

You wont let anybody tell you what to do, sometimes I think that's exactly what you wanna do.

Deportees – Islands & Shores

The way we all should live.

I was at the Acne-outlet today. Came home with nine new things to my wardrobe. Nice. And the biggest shopping bag I've ever seen. I could easily live in it. Good to know.

Go with them who treats you well, even if you're pockets are empty.

Kapten Röd – Du E La Go, Kapten Röd – Ju Mer Dom Spottar

When you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done.

OK. I don't know. I think I actually like him. J was the only friend of mine who actually figured that out by herself. Anyways. Now after he added me to Facebook, the ball is in my corner. But what if he doesn't like me? If I was just a girl who was hard to get and therefore more exciting than the ordinary L-girls? Three months. That has to be hard to get, right? And I realized that I've never made out sober or with the same guy twice. True story.

I follow you.

OK. I need to clear my head. I was at E's party Saturday. It was so fun! Smoke machine, leaves and fun. Although the fire alarm went of like 20 times and every time we got a call from the security company. Hehe, they got a little tired of us! H, L and I pre-partied in the city first. At one place where we were for like a half hour we got the comment "Good tempo, girls" from the bartender! And then we went to my house, dressed up as moose, hunter and hunter's dog (me!) and went to E's house. J from my work was there, his boyfriend and a lot of fun people. 21 liter of home made wine. And then it was V. The guy from E's dept. Whom I've talked to like four-five times since the beginning of August. He is in the same class as my sister. Yeah. We ended up smoking and talking and then we like, made out. I said to my friends that I was bored, that's why I did it. But honestly, I think I wanted it (ofc I wanted it otherwise I wouldn't have done it, but I mean wanted it). Anyways. I talked to J today. She is, as always, super excited. All "but you like him, and you haven't said anything you don't like about him". I promised I would chat with him. (To my future self, remember this song? Lykke Li – I Follow Rivers (The Magician Remix)) AND! Have I mentioned my "curse"? That I always see people (mostly boys) that I've thought about lately? Guess who I saw when I was at the bus today? Yep, V. Call it a blessing or curse, but it's true!

So let's get beer and find something to do.

I don't know what to do. I want to do something. Something. Maybe that's why I go out, drink and try to forget. 'Cause I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to work, study, travel, move somewhere or something else. The thing is I don't get freaked out because of that. And that, that I don't get freaked out is freaking me out more than anything else.