Challenge accepted!

He wants to fuck you, that's all.

I never thought it would be fine. But when I was ten and dragging myself to school even though I didn't felt like I had real friends, then I thought I would figure things out. I remember how I thought that when I was 18 I would have a boyfriend, an idea of what I wanted to do and well, just secure. Reality? Well, I'm confused and insecure, but I've learned some things at least. Like you won't love everyone you meet and they won't like you either, but that's fine. Because some people are too broken, too noisy or just too not you for you to like them. And when it's gets quiet that's OK too, 'cause if you have something to say you will say it and vice versa. I try so hard to live now. That's what I want. I don't want to overanalyze things, people or conversations but still I do. And that sucks. A lot.

Insecurity is an ugly thing. It makes you hate people that you don’t even know.

The city that would get too little soon, but that we knew nothing about yet.

Markus Krunegård – Ibland gör man rätt, ibland gör man fel

I got beauty, I got class, I got style and I got ass.

I've thought some about my identity. Nothing big, but just why I have made such a thing of not training. When I stopped with the athletic thing, about one and a half year ago, I stopped training. Completely. And then I dropped like 5 kilos. Not surprisingly that was all muscles. Then after that, I've been one of 'those' girls. Who brags about how much I eat, how I am always hungry and still can squeeze into a size Small. Although I've known, in the back of my mind, that it just isn't good. Not now, 'cause I'm not just always hungry - I'm always tired as well. And definitely not later either. The thing is, I think, that I want to be better. Better in the way that "Oh, I don't do that nor that, but I'm still pretty and skinny". But then, who cares? Last summer I gained weight. I blame the alcohol and candy. And I kind of realized that if I want to have fun (AKA drink alcohol and party with my friends) and still feel good about myself (AKA not search for quick fixes to loose weight) then I have to start to work-out again. So that is my plan. I have a lot of time 'til the summer comes along. And longer 'til I have to run 10 km. So now I'm back on the working-out track. Yoga and running: here I am!

Diva is the female version of a hustla.

Beyoncé – Diva

Sweat is just your fat crying.

I really don't know what just happened. I just applied to a running race in my town this August. 10 kilometers. Well, it's something I've never done before at least! I remember my resolution at least: collect moments, not things!

Why did she have to happen? Just when I was doing so good without her.

Was at the movies with T. Saw "The Rum Diary". It was nice. Great quotes and a little messy, like life.

Can you give me that?

Architecture In Helsinki – That Beep

Going to buy a very expensive dress tomorrow.

I have tried to ignore the need to write this post. I have tried to convince myself that I have put it all behind me and just don't need to write about him again. But I will write about him now. This is the last post. Promise. If he doesn't contact me or if I meet him again, then this is (very dramatically) it. He went home with another E and it crushed me so much harder than I had expected. I have always seen myself as strong, independent and well, better than all of my friends who went around and had love problems. So when I lay in bed that night, knowing that for him I was no one special, it just felt so wrong. I didn't see him after that (except hard core FB-stalking), and, although my heart skipped a beat at Christmas Eve when I saw that I got a text from him, I didn't contact him. The thing is... He isn't like me. He doesn't think it is a big deal, obviously, sleeping with someone. But for me it is. And he was the first one I actually talked to after making out and actually had on FB. 'No strings attached' has been my thing. So surely it's not that weird I reacted the way I did. So everything was nothing. I FB-stalked him (well, FB believes we're still friends) a lot the weeks around New Year. I was certain I would never meet him again, well at least not for four months. Then A and I started to chat. ( [this is in parenthesis 'cause it's just about what has happened] A is the sweetest and so nice. So we talked and last Thursday we talked about JVM and that the final was going to be that night. I said that I didn't want to sit up and watch at night alone, so he said he could round up some friends and we could watch together. He did and it was a blast! Got home 6.12 am. Anyways. Was at J & C's going away thing Saturday. That was also a blast! Although I stood outside QH, crying and saying "You can't do this, you can't leave me here", at one point. But still one of the best going out-nights I've ever had. So Sunday I had a perfect hangover day -

-talking to H she said he said I am so good-looking and nice, but he isn't looking for something serious like I am. So that's it. I'm good, he's gone.

Offer cigarette again, but now as the enemy.

Promises I promise to try not to break.

//1. Be a little sluttier, but do not get desperate.

2. Take my driver license.

3. Visit Berlin.

4. Learn how to raise one eyebrow.

5. Learn to drink, and hopefully like, bourborn.

6. Visit Rome.

7. Do stuff not because it's cool, but because I am cool.

8. Do the HSP once again.

9. Take the entrance test to MENSA.

10. Have a consumption free month.

11. Know when to forget what I want and remember what I deserve.

12. Collect moments, not things.//

In a room with both of your rivals.

The Concept – D-D-Dance

20 pictures taken with Photobooth the latest 12 hours. Livin' life!

Bloody hell!

The absolute best thing there is is to hang out with friends. Friends that you laugh, discuss with and don't have to prove anything for 'cause they like you! Have had a brilliant couple of days. Lay in my bed for almost 29 hours straight after I came home Sunday morning. Well, made a guest appearance in our sofa seeing the start and end of a Midsomer Murder episode that was really twisted. My legs, neck, stomach AND arms ached after all the dancing so I didn't bother to even try to do something really constructive those hours. Watched the fifth Harry Potter movie. And answered my cell. Then about 4 pm yesterday I thought it was time to see the outside world again. Felt a bit emo when I for the first time that day went out and it was dark. But what to do? Was going to hang out with K, J and H. K is going to Berlin on Thursday. Pretty nice. Thinking of joining her a while down there! Went to H&M and tried on almost everything that was newly arrived. Fell hard for a orange blouse with long arms and a blouse with fake leather with holes in it. Bought both. Thought "well, it will look cool when I'm in Bilbao!". Then I went home. And E called me up and asked if I wanted to hang out. So went over to her and N's borrowed house and watched some TV, then we went out to PK. I was to good at ping pong, for a change! Was the last girl standing one time. Proud! We hanged out there, knew some people and it was nice. When we came home to their house E started apologizing for acting so dumb the day after the V-shit. It felt nice that she said that. And she also said that she didn't notice that I was down that morning. Either I'm a very good actor or she is very bad at reading me. Hmmm. Hoping for the first. Today (yeah, formally it's Wednesday now but in my head it's still Tuesday) I was studying at HHS with D. It was good knowing that I was doing something good. But I was the whole time a little bit on edge, waiting for V to appear. He didn't. After that (OK, I understand why D thought I was doing stuff all the time) I rode the bus to L's place. Haven't met her in quite a while... It was nice. We're really on the same boat. Not knowing what to do and so on. We watched a great movie "Trop de Elite". I was so amazed by it. Died of how awesome they were. So we watched the sequel as well. Hehe, we're not wasting our lives on nothing anyway!

2012 is gonna be my bitch.

Had my best New Year's Eve ever last night! A perfect combination of dancing, alcohol, home party, thai food, fire works, running to the bus, getting compliments from guys, my crew, high heels, failing freebras, hotel room, BK, people, laughing and so much more. A perfect start for a new year!